I wrote my first song stoned. It’s surprising how honest it turned out. I thought it was hilarious at the time, but in the day it isn’t so funny. Just true.

I can’t do lies

but I can do trickery

I’m stuck in my mind

My skin is a pillory. 

Does this happen to anyone else? You’re living your life just fine and dandy, finally not obsessed with gender identity, when suddenly someone’s 2 years on T video shows up. Or maybe it’s a 6 months post-op. Whatever. But suddenly the fine and dandy goes to shit and it’s back to avoiding mirrors and just getting silently mad at youtube guys. 

Let me go exercise my broad range of emotions and cry. Bet you can’t do that.

I just have a lot of worries. This point in my life is suddenly one of the most fantastic I’ve ever had, but now those alone in the dark worries are freaking me out.

This girl could really make the world mine. She’s the prettiest, and the funniest, and the nicest, and the most adorable with the little kids, and though I’ve known her since 2nd grade there are millions of things I don’t know about her and it all intrigues me. Yet it’s scary. I don’t want to bet that she’ll date me even though she made it clear that she was into me. She’s unsure of her sexuality, and I mean, that’s totally fine. When I first started questioning mine I was a wreck. It was on my mind constantly and it stressed me out not knowing. I think sometimes people take for granted what a relief it is to be 100% clear on their sexual orientation. Sure, it’s not always the easiest to be gay, but it’s millions of times better to never have to wonder about it again. 

I don’t want to rush her into anything. She says she’s indecisive once, and she didn’t really know what to tell me when I told her I like her. You know, because she’s so unsure about everything. But you know how sometimes everything just seems to fall into place? For me, every aspect of my live seems to point me to her. I just got a new phone and the same thing happened when I started dating my last two girlfriends; the play is over, so all my immediate plans are done with and the unknown future is upon me; it seems like girls are only into me when I already have a girlfriends, and right now all the girls; my magic 8 ball told me she likes me and will date me in December; my grades are ok, but not where I want them and whenever I’m with someone I want to be the best I can in all areas; it would be perfect. I worry I’ll throw all my hopes at this relationship and she’ll decide not to date me. I’ll be so sad. :( haha

When I’m with her, I feel like we don’t even have to talk. I have this silly app on my phone that have little fortune cookie things and as I was about to go into the cast party after the show last night I read one that said, “Don’t ask, don’t tell. Everything lies in silence.” It’s true. Just being with her even without words is wonderful. It’s… I can’t put it into words, really. Silence is the best way to describe it.

I do that, too

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but I keep thinking of suicide. I don’t even really want to commit it, it just keeps coming back around. Hella weird if you ask me.

Also, one dude with the silver shorts in my weight training class, fuck you. I wish we had the same hips.

I finally thought it was over. I’d gone maybe a month and a half of nothing but building confidence and acceptance. I was once again proud to be a feminine (ish) lesbian. I was ready to just do my thang and get back to the confident, loose-cannon muthafucka I was before December of my Sophomore year. I was thinking, “My, I suppose I can understand why I would’ve felt like I was male, but I surely can’t feel a bit of that uncomfortable, depressing, awkwardness anymore! It’s good to be a little happier!”

But I feel like as of October 1st I’ve been sinking. Last night was the first full step down. I mean, I’m nowhere near as hopeless and lost as I was when I first made this blog and during the beginning of July. I was fucking gone then. Now it’s just the thoughts of transition beginning to float back into my head that are getting me down.

Just the usual wildness that comes along with entering a 3rd year of high school is crazy enough without thinking about life altering decisions and feelings. Now that I’m getting back into the swing of things I suppose I’ve got enough brain capacity to finish dealing with whatever else I’ve got to handle.

I don’t know.

Maybe this shit just comes in spurts. 

cameraneverlies:

They had never met, you know. One of the most famous kisses, and it was a whim, spur of the moment.

<3

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I have that. It makes me burp like crazy and I have to literally rock back and forth to feel better. This medicine makes my pee brown.

So, this kid named Carlos posted one of those TBH statuses on facebook. Normally I don’t like those, but I clicked like anyway. A day or so past and I forgot about it until I got this message:

TBH, I had to post your “tbh” thing on messages because if it were public I would be a dick. TBH, I blame you for me loosing Amanda. TBH, you constantly flirted with my girlfriend and took her away from me all the time. TBH, Amanda pretty much became gay because of you, broke up with me and when she was single you rejected her. TBH, you totally fucked up my best relationship and ruined both my life and life the girl I love. TBH, I don’t like you. But I wish I did.

Um, what? Like, are you serious? I mean, I guess I asked for you to be honest, but I didn’t think you’d be so harsh haha. And people don’t just become gay. If you’re gay you’re always gay. I have nothing to do with that! And, let’s be honest, do you really want me to date your ex girlfriend anyway? You don’t even know my shit, homeboy. 

We got a drama queen in the house. 

My reply to him was chill. I was like, “Yeah, I wish you liked me too. But it’s like, you don’t become gay, you just are. You can’t lay that on me. Thanks for not posting this to my wall. That would’ve been upsetting and someone probably would punch one of us (probably me).”

I don’t know if that’ll piss him off. I don’t want to be in a fight with him. The saddest part is I totally thought he and I were cool. He was a nice friend.  

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